An "Air Bud: Seventh-Inning Fetch" CHRISTMAS MIRACLE
Yesterday at 08:00 AM
The Live Blog nobody needs of a movie nobody needed.
Back in 2019 or so, I decided to watch, and write comments about while watching, the 2002 direct-to-video movie Air Bud: Seventh-Inning Fetch. Why? Because it's a BASEBALL MOVIE, and I sometimes write about baseball movies; here's some, and here's some more, and here's one that stretches the concept a bit. Go read those brilliant things and come back; Air Bud will still be here, waiting patiently, tongue stuck out and drooling.
But then my iPhone suffered a castastrophic system failure, which required a total reset. And with it went my genius, sarcastic, witty commentary on Air Bud. And probably lots of other things I had been monkeying around with too, but the Air Bud one hurt the most, since it negated the purpose of sitting through Air Bud.
To make things worse, John Oliver was reading my mind, and did his own genius, sarcastic, witty commentary on Air Bud:
(He probably used the NSA to spy on my phone, stole my idea, and then had hackers murder my notes. The Brits are devious, that way.)
I hate to leave a job unfinished, though. That's actually a lie, I leave things unfinished all the time, and my reactions to doing so range from mild guilt to giddy relief. Still, it's not hard to rewatch a movie, even a terrible movie, or at least a terrible movie which fortunately doesn't have Ethan Hawke or Nicole Kidman in it.
So, back to Air Bud.
You're familiar with the concept, right? The concept is, here's a dog that can play sports. The actual dog, Buddy, was a stray found by near Yosemite by Kevin DiCicco, who taught Buddy how to tip a bouncing basketball into a full-height net. Buddy starred in the original, 1997 Air Bud, which wasn't a success until it hit home video (and was directed by Charles Martin Smith – yes, the guy from Never Cry Wolf and The Untouchables!). Air Bud spawned one actual movie sequel, about football, and 12 direct-to-video sequels about other sports, and Santa, and Space Orgies or whatever.
Sadly, Buddy died the year after Air Bud came out. And DiCicco never got jack crap from Disney for ANY of the sequels. He ended up broke and living on the streets by 2024. Movie studios are pretty evil, folks.
Feeling festive yet?
It's MOVIE SIGN! Watch along, with the copy you own, or the bootleg one you got in Cairo called Oxygen Dog. All timestamps are triple-checked for perfect accuracy.
0:00 — This disc says 93 minutes. 93 MINUTES? This is going to hurt.
0:05 — Dimension Films, a subsidiary of Miramax for El Cheapo movies. Did give us 1408, with Sam Jackson saying "it's an evil f***ing room."
0:10 – For a second I worry that I've gotten the "pan-and-scan" version, but then I remember, this is straight-to-video. If you don't know what "pan-and-scan" is, you are not a Movie Nerd who existed before 2004. It's about aspect ratios. Ask me to talk about aspect ratios at your next party, your friends will thank you.
1:45 — Well, here's the plot. Two evil scientists have rolled into town in an RV, and plan on capturing Air Bud + his offspring to extract the "Super Sports Gene." It's called andro, guys. Seriously, this kind of depiction of "science" is why Americans are dumb enough to drink raw milk.
3:35 — Bucolic town picnic where we see dogs playing with humans at basketball, football, soccer. The impression is that the various Buddloids sprung from Buddloins are better at sports than the humans. I don't buy it.
The lovely and talented Cynthia Stevenson is wasted in this. She had small, memorable roles in The Player and Home For The Holidays and then Hollywood just decided not to put her in anything anymore. Typical of them. She doesn't deserve this.
6:45 — Our human heroine is sad that her older brother is off to college, instead of totally thrilled she gets half his stuff like a normal 13-year-old would be.
The original Air Bud featured a kid sad that his Dad just died. Stand By Me features a kid sad that his brother just died. Stand By Me is not a helluva lot better movie than Air Bud, folks.
10:40 — Because nobody making this movie gives a crap about anything, shots are intercut of gloomy overcast days and totally sunlit days with a weird processing filter that's meant to make the color tones match, but very much DOES NOT.
I suppose this could be a "low budget" thing, but it happned also in the big-budget movie Twisters because the filmmakers were just lazy. Also, that movie had Glen Powell in it and he's awful.
13:50 — After a tearful sis/bro farewell, there's an actually funny reaction shot of the passengers on *Not*A*Greyhound* pressing their faces to the front windshield, watching the sappy moment. Then it's repeated twice to kill any hope you have for existence.
16:30 — Richard Karn of Home Improvement is the heroine's dad, and he DEFINITELY deserves this.
18:00 — Bud plays more basketball. He looks old.
18:40 — First day in junior high for our heroine. Her friend says the other students "look so old." Not as old as Bud.
21:22 — The family at dinner. They have the biggest damn ketchup bottle I've ever seen, and I shop at Costco. Somebody just grabbed a bottle from the commissary kitchen, methinks.
23:30 — Various classes in junior high. Bud is observing them all, unawares to anyone. HE SEES YOU WHEN YOU'RE SLEEPING HE KNOWS WHEN YOU'RE AWAKE IT'S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE
25:55 — "The Samuelsons' horse is about to foal!" Apparently Karn is some kind of farm vet? Although this doesn't look like a farm town? And this house is not one a farm vet could afford?
I probably won't make any more socio-economic comments here. Probably.
29:00 — Our heroine is playing baseball. I guess this is where Bud comes in to play baseball.* The coach is doing fielding practice by swinging a bat like someone who's never swung a bat.
The coach is played by Molly Hagen, who was born in Minneapolis! And the team's called the Timberwolves, so they're cursed. (They even have a similar font; why didn't Glen Taylor sue?)
*(I wuz wrong)
35:15 — Bud displays his amazing Baseball Skillz, which involve CATCHING A BALL IN HIS MOUTH. This is NOT an unusual skill among dogs. That's like advertising a movie about a stupendous cat that's good at boxing, then showing it batting around a toy mouse.
43:50 — There's a Fusilli's Barber Shop, owned by a guy who talks like Chef Boyardee. In rural Washington State. OK.
46:00 — Joseph Cranshaw as "crusty old mustached town sheriff." Apparently he had a nice career doing this.
48:15 — We're halfway in, and the plot (so far) has our heroine being sad her brother's at college, getting on the baseball team because her far more talented friend begged the coach to give her a spot, and being bad at baseball. WHAT DOES BUD DO?
48:45 — OK, Buddy's feeding a pitching machine that throws fly balls at our heroine. So it should be "Air Bud: Fielding Coach." Incidentally, I doubt her school could afford such a machine. And if her dad can, he's a drug dealer. (They cost $16K, I looked that up later.)
50:15 — A bored-looking Bud can hold a bat in his mouth and move his head, which then is shown via effects to produce more practice flies. But then he goes back to feeding the pitching machine. I am confused.
51:15 — The Evil Scientists have been stealing more Buddloids, I've missed that while phone typing. The old mustache sheriff has pictures of all the missing dogs. They all look alike. They would, they're all goldern retrievers.
52:45 — A player goes down to injury and Bud is playing — first, now? Meanwhile, our heroine is pitching, which she'd never done before and THAT ISN'T WHAT COACH BUD WAS TEACHING HER. Naturally, she's great, which the coach should have spotted if she wasn't a terrible coach incapable of swinging a bat.
Bud also has to jump off first base to catch throws and then turn around to go back to the base, that's not ideal.
56:50 — Mom asks "how was baseball?" "Fine, I guess." You just pitched for the first time ever and did awesome, and you're still sulky about your brother going to college? Huh?
Also, the heroine is annoyed she's got a baby brother, which is more a thing a five-year-old does.
59:50 — Oh, now the heroine is mad her better friend got her on the team. Too much pressure. Even though she tried out to be on the team, and practiced with Bud, and is now a super pitcher? Either this script is awful or actually kinda profound about 13-year-old mood swings. Well, let's just discount that last option.
1:05:15 — The evil scientists have kidnapped Bud and our heroine/her better friend are chasing their car on bikes. Somebody saw E.T.
1:08:00 — I realize I am making crappy jokes about a crappy film for a website without many readers and I am now sad. Oh-h ti-i-idings of co-om-fort and joy. Another CHRISTMAS MIRACLE!
1:14:25 — Huh? There's a Timberwolves baseball game, and the crowd is singing "take me out to the ballgame, take me out to the show." Good Lord. Those aren't the words. Nobody cares.
1:16:30 — These games also have a PA announcer calling the game out loud on speakers like a 1940s radio broadcast, I dunno anything anymore.
There are FIFTEEN MINUTES LEFT NOOOO
Oh, the brother's in the stands. Shoulda died. More story arc.
1:20:30 — Bud (now rescued) grounds to short, is clearly thrown out at first, called safe, nobody making this cares
1:24:00 — The composer rips off Randy Newman's score for The Natural a bit. This happens a lot in baseball movies. Randy Newman's score for The Natural is lousy garbage and will be repeated forever and that's why everything in the world sucks.
1:27:50 — The Anaheim Angels win the World Series when Bud catches the last out at first, and he still jumps off first to do it, and still has to run back to step on base. He has learned NOTHING and neither have any of us from this exercise. John Oliver made better life decisions than me.
And there we have it. I've accomplished something I set out to do in 2019, which I probably did better then and wasn't worth doing the first time. But I finished it, yeah me!
May your way be as pleasant.
